Do you think Dad is jumping into a new romance too soon after Mom’s death?

Do you feel Mom’s new boyfriend is too controlling?

Do you feel uncomfortable around Mom’s new boyfriend or just find you can’t warm up to him?

Are you conflicted about asking Dad’s new girlfriend to attend family events?

These and many other questions arise when your aging parent gets involved in a new romantic relationship. We all know (intellectually at least) that it’s natural for people of all ages to want love and companionship. We likely want our aging parents to be happy and have someone to spend time with and enjoy. But, the reality may be a lot more complicated. You might be grieving over your deceased parent and trying to deal with those feelings while Mom or Dad is embracing a new relationship. There might be all kinds of family history and emotions involved.

Our feelings about our parents’ sexuality, or sex and aging in general, can make us uncomfortable about issues related to intimacy too. Do you put Mom and her new boyfriend in separate rooms when they come to visit or ask them what they prefer? Do you feel embarrassed when you see Dad being affectionate with his new girlfriend?

Even when family members get along well, new relationships can be tricky. The issues are exacerbated when there’s pre-existing conflict or concerns come up over money, control, care disagreements, etc. When an aging parent decides to get married or make major life changes related to a new relationship, our discomfort might turn to concern.

Here are a few tips when your aging parent gets involved in a new romance and you’re feeling conflicted:

• Explore your feelings and try to separate your emotions from concerns about the relationship. There are times when you may spot legitimate concerns that an older relative might be in an exploitative or unhealthy relationship (for more on this topic, visit EasyLiving’s article “Exploitation or Love?”). On the other hand, age does not always bring the wisdom we hope and our older loved ones may have every right to make questionable relationship choices.
• If you are feeling conflicted or struggling with grief over a deceased parent, seek out a support group or counselor. Feel free to contact our team for recommendations.
• Get an outside party involved with family mediation or moderating discussions about conflicts or big decisions.
• Question your own beliefs and stereotypes. Are you treating your parent more like a child? What feelings might be impacting the way you perceive Dad’s new girlfriend?
• Try to get to know the new partner. Keep in touch with your loved one and be welcoming to the new partner. Unless there are signs of mistreatment, you probably don’t want to let your negative feelings cause major damage to your relationship.

At other times, you might be concerned that your aging parent is isolated and lonely. Depression is often misinterpreted as a normal part of aging or grieving. Keep an eye out for signs of depression and encourage your loved one to stay involved in activities and relationships. Check out some of our tips for helping a depressed, isolated older relative. Varied relationships and social engagement keeps us emotionally, and even physically, healthy.

Our team is here to help, whether you just need someone to talk to, a neutral professional to evaluate or mediate, or help with assessments, counseling or professional services. Call us at 727-447-5845.

All month leading up to our The Age of Love movie screening, we have been exploring issues such as companionship and intimacy as we age, how to know when an aging parent’s relationship might be exploitative, and how we stereotype, isolate or diminish older adults’ need for intimacy and sexuality. Today, we tackle the topic of sex in the nursing home…how care facilities handle residents’ sexual needs while protecting the needs of all residents, resources for families when this issue arises, and more.

Luanne Reese

We’re pleased to have an expert guest with many years experience in retirement community management from our movie screening co-host, Mease Manor. Mease Manor is a retirement community in beautiful Dunedin, Florida which offers a continuum of care options on one campus (from independent living to assisted living and healthcare services). Luanne Reese is the Chief Strategy Officer at Mease Manor, where she has worked since 2007. We asked Luanne to share her knowledge and experience with our readers and answer our questions about sexuality in retirement communities and nursing homes.

Q: Some people have talked about the lack of privacy in nursing homes and how this relates to seniors’ sexuality. How can we balance the need for safety/supervision in a group setting with the reality that older adults do continue to be sexual human beings with a need for intimacy?

A: Issues can arise very easily around privacy.  We need to first make sure that both parties are competent to offer consent to the relationship.  We need to make settings available for this time to occur between consenting individuals.  Also, consultation with the resident’s physician about any limitation must be considered.  Many times the intimacy may be something as simply lying next to each other in a bed.   ​​

Q: Do care facilities have formalized policies related to residents’ sexuality and/or resident rights on these issues?​

A: Each community would have individual policies and states could have rules and regulations that would vary (Nursing homes and other health facilities are regulated by each state. AHCA is the Agency for Healthcare Administration, which manages this process in Florida. You can visit the AHCA website here. Our care management team can help you understand policies, residents’ rights and what to ask when considering a care community.).  It is important to talk with staff to find out what is specific to each community.  ​

Q: Do issues arise with staff who may have personal, cultural or religious beliefs that relate to the residents’ sexual behavior (for example, disagreeing with a resident who is engaging in consensual sex while still married to a spouse not living at the facility or residents engaged in same-sex relationships)? ​

A: Personal or religious beliefs come into play a great deal with staff, however, those are personal beliefs and cannot be forced upon others.  Many other examples such as end-of-life care or refusal of medical treatments are dealt with in senior housing communities.  Staff has to keep personal beliefs as personal beliefs.  However, a balance has to be struck in the protection and feelings of other residents who have residents’ rights as well.  Discrimination cannot be tolerated in respect to the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) community.

Q: How do you handle staff training or coaching on resident sexuality issues?

A: This would be addressed inside of residents’ rights discussion and most likely brought up on case by case basis.

Q: Often one of the trickiest aspects of these situations is the family members and their perceptions. ​How do you handle family members’ concerns?

A: Again, as long as the person has been deemed competent and fully understands their actions, that is where the conversation has to begin.  I think this an opportunity for all of us as senior living providers to offer support and education for the residents and their family members.  Just like your high school children do not want to have “that” conversation with mom or dad, children may have great trepidation about having “that” conversation with their parents.  There are resources that we need to make available.  ​

Q: Adult children may not wish to see their elder parent as a sexual being and/or may feel protective or angry seeing a widowed parent engage in a new relationship. How do you engage family members about these issues and what are your related policies?​

A: Feeling protective is a natural feeling; this again may be an opportunity to offer resources such as grief counseling or other support groups.  Each community is different and, over time, we may encounter different concerns that we’ll need to address. We have generally not seen this issue arising regarding intimacy​ with blended families.

Q: What advice or information would you give to family members?​  ​

A: I would tell people to reach out to the administrator or the social workers inside of the nursing home.  If it is in an Independent Living or Assisted Living, reach out to the administration as well.  Communication is important to make sure that people understand that you are just looking out for their safety and well being.

Q: What problems arise with sexual issues in persons with dementia?​

A: Sometimes within the symptoms of dementia and Alzheimer’s the sexual issues become much more difficult to handle.  Again, making sure someone is competent to make a decision and that a doctor feels they can make the decision is important.  Some of the acting out with advanced stages of the disease takes on a decidedly sexual overtone.  It is important for families to lean on the staff, because more than likely they have seen this before. Resources like the Alzheimer’s Association can help as well.  Sometimes this is also just that need for a simple hug. The need for companionship and touch is important throughout life.

Join us at Mease Manor for The Age of Love screening on February 27th.

Contact Aging Wisely at 727-447-5845 for help with your aging parent concerns or questions. Our expert team provides caregiver consultations, assessments, care planning and advocacy with care facilities and much more. We help you tackle the tough issues!

One February 27th, we will be co-hosting an exclusive screening of The Age of Love at Mease Manor in Dunedin. The Age of Love is new documentary that follows the adventures of 30 seniors who sign up for a first-of-its-kind speed dating event exclusively for 70- to 90-year-olds. It follows the stories of some of the seniors involved and explores themes about love, relationships and how dreams and desires change – or don’t change – from first love to the far reaches of life. If you’re interested in getting a sneak peak at The Age of Love movie, RSVP today to reserve your seat.

Why did Aging Wisely and EasyLiving think The Age of Love screening was important to co-host?

We have always made it our mission to enable every individual we work with to live the most fulfilling life possible, with utmost dignity, focusing on their physical, mental, spiritual, family and financial well-being. We understand the importance of seeing each elder as an individual and understanding the human needs that continue over a lifetime. Elders are as varied as any age group of people, maybe even more so since they have had many years of different life experiences, and their relationship needs, desires and concerns vary widely too. There are many underlying stereotypes and assumptions we may hold about older adults (often without even realizing it) and this movie helps get us thinking about them.

Ask Yourself: Discussion Topics from The Age of Love

How You View Older Adults

• “My perception of myself at this age is certainly different than the perception I had of my grandparents.”—Dwight, The Age of Love  How do you imagine you’ll be as an elder? Is it different than how you see elders you know? How do you think we tend to see ourselves in terms of age? Do you think elders today are different from elders 20-30 years ago? What about in the future?
• Do you inadvertently treat elders in a child-like manner at times (using terms like “honey” or calling them “cute”)?
• Are there ways in which you might be treating elders as if their needs and concerns are all the same?
• Do you have certain assumptions about elders in terms of romantic and intimate relationships?

Loss, Isolation and Loneliness in Old Age

• Older adults disproportionately suffer from loneliness and isolation. What are some of the things about the way our society is structured that might contribute to this?
• What are some possibly solutions to loneliness and isolation/losses of aging? If you notice an older loved one becoming more isolated, what would you do?

Relationship Issues

• If you work (or imagine yourself working) at an Assisted Living or other senior care setting, would your personal beliefs impact your interactions with senior clients and their relationships? For example, how would you feel and react to a same-sex relationship among two residents? How would you feel if a woman with a spouse living in the community began having a relationship with another man in the community?
• What complications arise when elders have dementia? How can we define their ability to consent to a relationship?
• What feelings would you have if your widowed parent become involved with someone new? Would there be a situation where you can see being concerned (what would cause you concern)?
• In care facilities, how can we balance the need for safety/supervision in group settings with the reality that older adults do continue to be sexual human beings with a need for intimacy and private time?

We’ll be sharing more thought-provoking questions, answers and information throughout the month, so stay tuned!

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s a great time to take a look at those you love with a new lens. In addition to logistical and medical needs that come with aging, don’t forget the diverse human needs of your aging parents.

Aging Wisely is here to help! Our comprehensive assessment is a holistic look at the situation, offering solutions to ensure a well-rounded quality of life. Some of the issues we help with include: family mediation (dealing with conflicts over relationships and concerns you might have about someone being taken advantage of), engaging eldercare services and resources for a more fulfilling life, suggesting age-friendly activities to suit the person’s interests and abilities…and more. Contact us at 727-447-5845 for a free consultation!